Brittany, Grieving Loved Ones

1461 days = 4 years

Brittany…

Who You’d Be Today
Kenny Chesney

Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
I feel you everywhere I go
I see your smile, I see your face
I hear you laughing in the rain
I still can’t believe you’re gone

It ain’t fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
But death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I’ve been through
Just knowing no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder who you’d be today

Would you see the world, would you chase your dreams
Settle down with a family
I wonder what would you name your babies
Some days the sky’s so blue
I feel like I can talk to you
I know it might sound crazy

It ain’t fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
But death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I’ve been through
Just knowing no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder who you’d be today

Today, today, today
Today, today, today

Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
The only thing that gives me hope
Is I know I’ll see you again someday

Someday, someday

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Brittany, Grieving Loved Ones

3 Years

 

everything changedSOURCE

* truth – every single relationship I have has changed. Some for the better. Some for the worse. Some I have let go of because I no longer have the time or energy to waste on negativity. My Sister’s passing has changed every aspect of my life. It has changed my relationships with my Mom, Step Dad, Husband, Children, Friends and extended family.

Grieving Loved Ones

R.I.P. Socks

PitaPata Cat tickers

Our kitty started having breathing problems on Monday afternoon. When we took him to the vet Tuesday morning we found out that he had FIP and that there was nothing that could be done for him. We were told that he had one to two weeks to live and that it was going to continue to get worse. We made the decision to have him put to sleep so that he wouldn’t suffer any longer. We felt that it would be cruel to bring him home for a few days and then take him back to the dreaded vet. Our veterinarian is awesome but no animal likes to be at the vet.

My heart is broken. Socks was a family pet but he was my cat. I spoiled it rotten and he came running every time I called his name. He spent part of most nights sleeping on my chest with his butt on my head  because he still thought that he was a tiny kitten.

We picked him out, or rather he picked us out on my Sister’s birthday. The first one that had occurred since her passing. I always said that he was my gift on her birthday. His overly affectionate personality was a beacon of light in the darkest days of my grief.

We went to visit him at the vet before they put him to sleep and as I was telling him that I loved him he rubbed my face with his little face just like he did to comfort me in the midst of my grief for my Sister. My loveable cat was trying to comfort me as he was struggling to breath. Socks was an amazing cat and he will be greatly missed by our entire family.

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Brittany, Grieving Loved Ones

Happy Birthday Sissy

birthday in heaven SOURCE

Today would have been my Sissy’s 27 birthday.

Grieving Loved Ones

loss

Yesterday we lost another. A Great Aunt who was really truly great. This quote reminded me of something that one of her Daughter’s in Law said at my Grandfather’s funeral.

Darlene

SOURCE

Brittany, Grieving Loved Ones

Grieving a Sibling

Capture

My only sibling passed away 13 months ago today. Loosing Brittany has turned my life upside down & inside out. I have wanted to write a post to share my thoughts on “grieving a sibling” for several months now, but I purposely waited until after the 1 year mark to do so. The post that you are about to read has taken me well over a month to write and yet I still find that it only expresses some of my feelings and emotions. It is the tip of the iceberg so to speak.

Brittany

When a parent dies, you lose the past. When a child dies, you lose the future. When a sibling dies, you lose the past and the future.” UNKNOWN

When my Sister passed away I felt abandoned and alone. I would have liked to have someone contact me. I didn’t want to have to ask for it. I didn’t want to guilt someone into asking me how I was doing. I wanted someone (anyone) to care enough to ask on their own. I understood that people didn’t know what to say. Yet having someone ask “how are you” could have been the difference in between knowing whether or not someone cared or not.

In the 13 months since my Sister has passed I’ve had minimal contact with most of my family and all of my friends. My Paternal Grand Parents, my Step Grandmother, and obviously my parents have been the only people who’ve cared enough to call ask how I am doing. The rest I didn’t see until the next funeral about 12 1/2 months later, and my guess is that I won’t hear from them again until the next funeral.

Then there are those who chose to not even acknowledge my Sister’s death. Those who didn’t go to the funeral. Those who couldn’t even be bothered to send a card, text, or e-mail. Those people who I probably will never intentionally speak to again because they have disillusioned me in the true value of our friendships. I don’t have time for negative people… period….!

Anyways, to get to my point. In darkest days of my grief I only wanted someone to reach out to me. That person didn’t need the right words. They didn’t have to say anything at all. I just wanted to know that someone cared. I wanted to know that that she wasn’t forgotten. Even though everyone else’s world kept spinning while mine had turned completely upside down. The fact that none of the above happened turned me into an angry bitter person who was mad at the world.

Reach out to the world for comfort? Yeah right! After being hurt and abandoned by everyone it was safer to pull into my introverted personality and express myself through my creativity and through my blog. Thank goodness that I have both as outlets.

Today I am not as angry. I don’t have the energy to maintain anger any longer. The disabling brain fog that surrounds the shock of grief has dissipated. Yet at the same time my sense of loss is just as or perhaps even more painful that it was a year ago today. All of the firsts have come and gone. Every family gathering has a big gaping hole without my Sister. I miss her! I miss her! I MISS HER!!!

We as a family aren’t just grieving the loss of my Sister. We are grieving the future that was robbed of us. I will never see my Sister married. I will never be an aunt. Brittany will not be there to see my children grow up and start their own lives. We never get to see Brittany start her own life and family. Every birthday & holiday will leave a sense of emptiness… FOREVER! She’s gone and there isn’t a dang thing that can be done about it.

I am so thankful for my own family especially my children who have continually lightened the mood during my darkest of days. I am thankful for my relationship with my parents as they instilled a certain amount of strength in me. Strength that I didn’t know that I had until I had to use it.

Here are a few links that I have found on Sibling Grief

The Forgotten Griever

Siblings and Grief

Adults Grieving The Death of a Sibling

This one is from a fellow blogger who lost her Brother about a month or so before Brittany passed away.

Friendships in Grief from A Sister Left Behind

  • So if you know someone who is grieving the loss of a loved one today reach out to them. Pick up the phone and call. Ask that person “how are you“. Who cares if you don’t know what to say they don’t either. Your loved one only wants to know that you care, and that you haven’t forgotten why they grieve. Listen to your loved one and let them cry. Another idea is to send a card or something tangible that they can hold in their hands, but most of just be there! Be there consistently!

 

Grieving Loved Ones

Once Again We Grieve

Once again my family grieves the loss of another family member. My Step Grandfather passed away last night. Tonight as I sit and type my mind is full of memories. My Step Grandparents are awesome. When my Mom remarried when I was 3 years old the entire family took me in and treated me as their own even though they didn’t have too. I remember hanging out at their farm with my bonus Grandpa as a kid, eating doughnuts and watching Little House On The Prairie. I remember tractor rides and chasing cats with my cousins.  I remember fishing for bull heads and playing in hay lofts.

The older I get the more I realize that things will never be the same again. There are so many pieces of my childhood that have pasted on and like any puzzle you can’t make new pieces to fit in the old holes. Nothing ever fits back into the shape as it once was.

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SOURCE

 

Brittany, Charitable Donations, Grieving Loved Ones, Hat

Forever 24 – 2014

Today would have been my Baby Sissy’s 25th Birthday. For her birthday I decided to do 24 random acts of kindness in her memory. My acts of kindness took shape in the form of 24 preemie hats to donate to a local NICU Hospital.

forever 24 -2014
2014

 

 

Grieving Loved Ones

R.I.P. Aunti

cute-kittens-wallpaper-22640SOURCE

Please pray for my family as we grieve another loss. This time my Aunt Michele!!! This picture is so fitting. She loved kitties just as much as I did & she frequently e-mailed me cat pictures.

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

 

Grieving Loved Ones

Happy Birthday in Heaven Daddy & Grandpa

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Today would have been my Daddy’s 55th birthday. It also would have been my Gramp.’s 81st birthday.

Brittany, Grieving Loved Ones

R.I.P. Brittany

Post back dated to August 30th 2013 – Written on Sept. 15th 2013

The morning of Aug 30th started like any other day. The kids had a no school day due to the Labor Day weekend. We slept until about 9 AM and spent most of the day enjoying each others company while hubby was at work. Sometime during the day I developed a nasty headache because of my allergies. I made BLT’s for dinner and shortly there after I crawled into bed to read the book of Leviticus in my read the bible in 90 days reading plan. I had every intention of going to bed early. Little did I know that my life was about to be turned upside down.

At 8:10 PM the phone rang with a phone number that I did not recognize but I knew that it was from my home town. I answered the phone and my Mom was on the other end bawling and demanding to speak to my husband. I remember asking her “what the hell is going on“? Still she demanded to speak to him and not me. I walked into the garage and told my husband “my Mother is on the phone bawling and demanding to talk to you… and I think somebody is dead“. I knew without being told that my precious baby sister was dead. She was so young and so beautiful. Only 24 years old.

Britt’s last post on Facebook was at about 6:56 PM and the accident was at about 7:00 PM which in my mind works out about perfect with the distance that she traveled. She must have posted and walked out the door. She did not own a cell phone to post with.

Brittany drifted off the side right side of the road and then over corrected and rolled. She was ejected from the vehicle and died instantly. The fact that she didn’t suffer is the only thing that gives me peace.

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Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Links: Brittany’s Page on My Blog and Brittany’s Memorial Site

 

Grieving Loved Ones

R.I.P. Gramp

My Grandfather’s funeral was the most tearful funeral I have ever attended. I remember bits and pieces of my own Father’s funeral, but I do not remember it in its entirety. I was in shock and completely numb.

Yesterday the tears flowed freely off and on throughout the visitation and service. However the gravesite ceremony in its self was absolutely gut wrenching and heart shattering. I’ve been to funerals with military services (21 gun salute/taps) before. It always seems like the worst part. This time it was indescribable.

I’m sobbing again just thinking of it and I’m still at loss for words to describe the feeling. Ironic that just a short time later I held in my hands the shell casings from the bullets that caused such a heart breaking response.

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Pictured: 4 shell casings from the 21 gun salute, the funeral program with a windmill similar to the one at the farm, a cookbook, and a hat Grandpa used to wear while working in the garden.

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Speaking of the garden….

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Here’s a picture of a picture I took of the garden. This is was only part of the garden.

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Pictured: 2 hats that I had made Grandpa for past Christmases and a scarf that somebody donated and was given to him by his local American Legion. My Mom and Aunt gave to me to re-donate to Scarves for Troops.

***My Grandpa served in Navy during the Korean War.

“Those who love deeply never grow old; they may die of old age, but they die young.” Sir Arthur Wing Pinero